Exuding confidence, I approach the map…
Where the hell am I?
YOU ARE HERE, the map explains. Red arrow pointing to my spot.
While glancing around and taking in my surroundings, I realize that the map looks very different than the actual place I’m standing. It’s a little complicated in this three-dimensional world.
Think Sandi, think… clear your mind and seek landmarks to figure out where you are. The map will help you. Breath, relax, and you will find yourself soon enough… Think about where you started and how you got where you are…
* * * * * * *
Toxic, painful, negative, judgmental, harsh, hardened … gone. My whole family is gone. Pointing fingers won’t bring clarity or peace. After mom died we parted ways. That’s the short story. For a very long time I felt lost.
Trying to navigate the situation, memories of Christmases-past would flood my mind. Saint Nick was good to us. The room was always packed with loved ones, gifts piled to the ceiling, and nervous laughter all around. Each doing our best to offset the pain which spanned beyond our years. Embracing the magic of the holidays, we’d exchange warm pleasantries and hope for clarity in the coming year.
Two years ago Santa stopped coming.
Like a little kid who’d recently been told that Santa wasn’t real, I felt angry, confused and betrayed. It took time to gain perspective. Instead of giving up on Christmas (and life), I decided to hold onto the good memories of the past and carry them into the future. What had I learned? Where had I landed?
YOU ARE HERE.
With my feet planted firmly on the ground, I recently found myself at the corner of Peace and Hope. But this corner is different… it’s a place within myself. Arriving here required a long journey inward. On the journey, I’ve hit many dead-ends and roads leading to nowhere. See, I was raised in a conservative Christian home. I learned early (and often) that if someone was upset, it was my job to fix it. In the real world that looks an awful lot like the slippery-slope of codependency. Meaning: I’m not happy unless I’ve made you happy. For me, this world-view lead to years of unhealthy bondage and pain.
My new paradigm, if I can be be so bold, looks something like this:
We live in a colorful, complicated and amazing real world. I believe there are two spheres of reality pulling at us daily.
One sphere is our humanity. There we’ll find everything that tells us we are “less than.” Simply watch commercials or read billboards and you’ll see what I mean… In the sphere of humanity we live in a constant state of wanting more… More money, more friends, more acceptance, more things… and we want it NOW! When you take a step back, it really is a very boring state of existence. Mind numbing. But, we live in a human shell in a human world and we want human things.
The other sphere (according to my simple brain) represents our divinity. It’s our connection to God and the Universe. It’s our beacon of hope in a broken world. In the sphere of divinity we seek peace and truth.
Life is complicated. The best I can figure is that we arrive at true balance when we live somewhere in the middle of both spheres. It’s the place of acceptance. Looking in the mirror we see a real human with imperfections, pain and a desire to be more/have more. Yet, if we allow ourselves to really see beyond our human shell, we experience a timeless beauty, light and love. It’s a place free from bondage and a place of hope.
On this journey inward there is a concept that I’ve embraced. It keeps me sane, and it goes something like this:
Love wins – every time. I believe there is divine goodness at the core of each human. Sometimes the “goodness core” is hidden deep within. While our humanness is limited and in bondage to many things, the divine love within is free and boundless. For me, clarity arrived when I embraced my own humanity. Sometimes I simply have to say, I love the goodness in this person. And, just as “they” are human, so am I. While my spirit and love are boundless, my humanity has limitations and healthy boundaries must be set. I guess that’s where the concept of “Namaste” comes into action – “The divinity in my being blesses the divinity in yours.”
Allowing myself to be human, vulnerable, and real has allowed me to set myself free from the heavy weight of bondage that comes when I’ve tried to be super-human.
It’s an ongoing inward journey. And, just about the time I think I have it figured out, I slip into the EVERYTHING NOW mentality of humanity. I guess moving between the two spheres helps keep everything in perspective. I need only ponder bird poop to pull myself outta the clouds!
As always, blessings… and Namaste!
Where do you find yourself today?